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Sunday, April 15, 2007
ah okay i just looked through my previous post. and i realised i sounded like some emofreak. but that's peilings true feelings at that point in time! (maybe im an emokid at heart hoho)
the "meeting" thing went pretty well on sunday. it was encouraging but yet i dont know some kind of pressure still lingers. the first thing they asked me was how i felt about it. and since i mean there's no point hiding out i really feel so i told them- unconfident, scared, pressured, uncertain etc. basically all the negative stuff and how i was spiritually low and i felt that i wasnt the best person for it. i was a little o.O when i saw them smiling after i was done with my ranting. then uncleys said "you are the one God has chosen to lead the youth camp committee." i was... surprised. and they started talking about how they prayed about it and they felt that God told them that He wanted someone who could show everyone how powerful He was (or something along that line). and we had this long talk/ discussion thing about it and letting go and blahblah. and how it was inevitable that people would be watching me but i dont have to worry about that. now i guess i still dont have confidence in myself, but i have confidence that He will bring me through it, if it's His will. i love the elders man. though i just realised that if i fail, it wont be only me. but it'll involve the whole youth comm people, elders etc. i dont want to see that happen. that's why the stress wont go away
on the other hand, shirim! we played for 56th gb and 46th bb (or is it the other way round). and i think they were really appreciative unlike those a&d people. i still want to punch them. and i guess today just made us realise who really cares about shirim. and looking at things, we're the only ones who really care (other than ms leow) i dont know whether it's valid to feel this way but i feel irritated to some extent but more importantly disappointed. reading shihui's lj post just made me all ahh. but you know what whatever, we've got a wonderful band major. because honestly i dont know what shirim would be like if not for her. and i bet everyone feels the same way too.
ah today elissa/ shihui/ waiian came over to my house for a while to put the drums and all. and shihui was talking about the trophies and the chess stuff and all. and it started my whole thinking about "what if i hadnt dropped chess? why DID i drop it?" tons of people have asked me this before. i dont know i guess i just dont like pressure and competition. i entered the taonan chess club when i was 7 and started playing since then (until i quit). you know being champion for competitions, being in the national squad, representing singapore... there's this whole pressure to keep winning and winning. and i remember everytime i played a match during inter-school competitions, dear mr ignatius leong (the scf president then. dont know if he still is) and the coaches and what not would stand behind me. and you can feel it their eyes watching every step that you move. and i know everytime i lost (sometimes you slip up and lose to some unranked person) i would avoid them and sometimes they would make irritating remarks/ comments. i remember the competition i had with peers too, especially those from northland. like licheng and jacqueline (from somewhere then switched to nanyang). and trying to outdo one another just for the recognition thing. and even though chess seems like some intellectual game and you cant possibly "cheat". fact is you can, well not exactly cheat like doing some things to the board or whatsoever, but things like when the opponent doesnt press his/ her clock, you sit there and think really hard while using the opponents time. it's these sneaky things that just take everything out. and of course it was stressful/ time-consuming, the going for squad training every saturday/ sunday for like 3 hours or so? that's why i quit. everything added up together = unbearable.and until now i feel bad for making my parents spend so much money on it. goodness knows how much money they spent on 1. paying for instructors- personal and national squad (it's still ex despite subsidies) 2. buying essence of chicken 3. paying for registration fees to enter competitions etc. i feel like such a horrible daughter sometimes. ive wasted the money they spent on me for chess and piano
shoots i think this is one of the times when you start to think of all the horrible things you've done. D:
im missing a lot of people.
i wish i could see them 24/7.
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
